I should preface this list by saying that I am a giant wimp. I love horror movies, but I rarely watch them because sometimes I like to sleep at night. Even so, I’ve seen a fair share, enough to compile a list as to why I’m going to survive one, and in my movie-watching experience I have seen things that I will never forget. So here is a list of movie moments that scared the hell out of me.

• The Arm Wrestling Scene from The Fly. The Fly isn’t the scariest of movies, but the arm wrestling scene might have ruined a part of my childhood. When the guy’s bone popped out of his arm, I vividly remember my older cousins whooping and pumping their fists, ultimately doing nothing to subvert expectations. I, on the other hand, was not a teenage boy. I screamed, partially out of horror and partially because of the sheer shock of it, and burrowed under my blanket while my cousins laughed and tried valiantly to coax me out. No such luck, cousins. Dude’s bone was out of his frickin’ arm.
• The chestburster kills Kane in Alien. My cousins and I watched this movie when I was only 6. Be that as it may, I knew something was wrong when the alien latched onto John Hurt’s face but didn’t kill him. Anticipating my trademark “hide-under-the-blanket” routine, my one cousin wrapped me in a bear hug while the other tossed the blanket across the room. I was totally defenseless, forced to watch as the alien burst out of John Hurt’s chest, ruining dinner and unleashing other-worldly terror on the crew of the Nostromo.
• David buries the body in Shallow Grave. My love of Ewan McGregor brought on this terrifying scene. My grandmother had fallen asleep while babysitting me, and I somehow found the movie on TV. In the movie, in order to make a dead body unrecognizable before they bury it, three roommates decide to cut off the hands and feet and smash the teeth in with a hammer. The task falls to mild-mannered David (Christopher Eccleston), who begrudgingly carries out the task. The actual scene isn’t gory, but I was still alarmed and ultimately shaken by the horrible, squelching noises and the shadow cast as poor David mutilated the corpse.
• The raptors in the kitchen in Jurassic Park. THERE WERE RAPTORS IN THE KITCHEN. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED ME TO SAY?
• The eye-cutting scene from Un Chien Andalou. I have a thing about eyes in general, and there was enough bravado with the razor sharpening that I was able to actually cover my eyes before I saw it, but my imagination pretty much filled in the gaps. It was one of the only times that I’ve ever covered my eyes in a film class.

1.) Because I am aware of my surroundings and my own weaknesses. I fit the “comic relief” and “token minority” roles, but I know this and can use it to my advantage. The comic relief is never the first death, so I just have to be aware of the people around me. If the group’s skank goes missing, you best believe I am getting the hell out of where ever I am/barricading myself with food, water, and a loaded shot-gun/salt/whatever exorcism I might need. I know that I can survive if I avoid survivors/descendants of people who have survived massacres and surround myself with people that are dumber/more morally corrupt than me.

2.) Because I am a horrible, horrible person. This can work against me because for some reason the killer always goes for the horrible person (maybe it’s karma, or some weird fourth-wall-breaching sense of katharsis?), but if you are a certain kind of terrible, you can totally make it out okay.

Don’t: Trip someone else in your group as you’re making a run for it.

Do: Destroy any creepy children/possessed dolls/sweet-looking old lady that come within striking range.

3.) Because I make a point to avoid abandoned camp grounds, homes built on Indian burial grounds, places adjacent to cemeteries, remote cabins surrounded by wilderness, streets named “Elm,” towns where large massacres have occurred in the past, towns that appear to have been hastily abandoned, places near research facilities that specialize in foreign viruses that may cause zombie-like behavior or genetic experiments, and ridiculously large shopping malls.

4.) Because I know better than to trifle with potentially demonic forces. Cast a spell to open the Ninth Gate so that I can make myself rich? I think not. Bring someone back from the dead? No, thanks. Also, if someone in the group is being possessed, I will not hesitate to neutralize them. That goes double for anyone who is possessed but then acts all normal again. You don’t fool me, trifle friend. And if you actually are normal again, I apologize, but I cannot jeopardize the safety of the entire group (and more importantly myself) by allowing you to live. It’s not personal.

5.) Because if I hear a noise, I am NOT going to go investigate it. Nor will I ever say anything like, “I’ll be right back!” or “Did you guys hear something?” or “Let’s split up!” Most of all, I will never ask, “Who’s there?” I know who’s there. It’s the killer, and I don’t need to talk to him.

6.) Because I am kind of a prude. I am holding onto my v-card for forever, and while that no longer guarantees survival, it never hurts.

7.) Because I know my lore. If anything wants to try and kill me, it’s welcome to try. Seriously. Freddie Krueger? I’ve seen Inception. COME AT ME, BRO. Some kind of demon? GET THE SALT. Michael Myers? HE IS NO MAN. But I will still stop him because I listen to Donald Pleasence. I don’t really have a game plan for Jason Voorhees, but I’ve never done him wrong, and I’m not overtly immoral, and that will buy me enough time to get away, I think.

8.) Because I am careful with my car. I am not gonna be one of those dumb bitches that gets killed because I didn’t have a gas or a good battery or a spare tire. Also, if the windows are fogged up, I am NOT going near the car. Period.

9.) Because I know better than to piss off a gypsy or shy, nerdy kid or town outcast. I am also smart enough to heed any advice from these types of people, and I know that animals always know when something is up. If the animals are fleeing, so am I.

10.) Because I know that “out the door” is a better escape route than “up the stairs.”

sidney-prescott:

RULES TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE:

1. You can never have sex.
2. You can never drink or do drugs.
3. Never, ever under any circumstances say ”I’ll be right back” because you won’t be back.

Randy speaks the truth.

(via attoyh)