1.) Because I am aware of my surroundings and my own weaknesses. I fit the “comic relief” and “token minority” roles, but I know this and can use it to my advantage. The comic relief is never the first death, so I just have to be aware of the people around me. If the group’s skank goes missing, you best believe I am getting the hell out of where ever I am/barricading myself with food, water, and a loaded shot-gun/salt/whatever exorcism I might need. I know that I can survive if I avoid survivors/descendants of people who have survived massacres and surround myself with people that are dumber/more morally corrupt than me.
2.) Because I am a horrible, horrible person. This can work against me because for some reason the killer always goes for the horrible person (maybe it’s karma, or some weird fourth-wall-breaching sense of katharsis?), but if you are a certain kind of terrible, you can totally make it out okay.
Don’t: Trip someone else in your group as you’re making a run for it.
Do: Destroy any creepy children/possessed dolls/sweet-looking old lady that come within striking range.
3.) Because I make a point to avoid abandoned camp grounds, homes built on Indian burial grounds, places adjacent to cemeteries, remote cabins surrounded by wilderness, streets named “Elm,” towns where large massacres have occurred in the past, towns that appear to have been hastily abandoned, places near research facilities that specialize in foreign viruses that may cause zombie-like behavior or genetic experiments, and ridiculously large shopping malls.
4.) Because I know better than to trifle with potentially demonic forces. Cast a spell to open the Ninth Gate so that I can make myself rich? I think not. Bring someone back from the dead? No, thanks. Also, if someone in the group is being possessed, I will not hesitate to neutralize them. That goes double for anyone who is possessed but then acts all normal again. You don’t fool me, trifle friend. And if you actually are normal again, I apologize, but I cannot jeopardize the safety of the entire group (and more importantly myself) by allowing you to live. It’s not personal.
5.) Because if I hear a noise, I am NOT going to go investigate it. Nor will I ever say anything like, “I’ll be right back!” or “Did you guys hear something?” or “Let’s split up!” Most of all, I will never ask, “Who’s there?” I know who’s there. It’s the killer, and I don’t need to talk to him.
6.) Because I am kind of a prude. I am holding onto my v-card for forever, and while that no longer guarantees survival, it never hurts.
7.) Because I know my lore. If anything wants to try and kill me, it’s welcome to try. Seriously. Freddie Krueger? I’ve seen Inception. COME AT ME, BRO. Some kind of demon? GET THE SALT. Michael Myers? HE IS NO MAN. But I will still stop him because I listen to Donald Pleasence. I don’t really have a game plan for Jason Voorhees, but I’ve never done him wrong, and I’m not overtly immoral, and that will buy me enough time to get away, I think.
8.) Because I am careful with my car. I am not gonna be one of those dumb bitches that gets killed because I didn’t have a gas or a good battery or a spare tire. Also, if the windows are fogged up, I am NOT going near the car. Period.
9.) Because I know better than to piss off a gypsy or shy, nerdy kid or town outcast. I am also smart enough to heed any advice from these types of people, and I know that animals always know when something is up. If the animals are fleeing, so am I.
10.) Because I know that “out the door” is a better escape route than “up the stairs.”
I never needed things to work out well for me. It’s just a silly, errant dream of mine, to go a day without you royally screwing me. NBD, dude.
I have come to the conclusion that if I get a full night’s rest and have a fantastic plan to conquer the day, it will inevitably fall apart right beneath my feet, and I will be left with a pile of broken dreams and failed aspirations.
Though I suppose I should’ve seen this coming last night, when I inadvertently set a paper towel on fire. To be clear, I was mildly inebriated, and it went up in flames far more quickly than I could’ve possibly anticipated.
Look, this isn’t even the point.
The point is that the universe is playing a cruel, cruel joke on me. The joke is called “my life,” and there is no way I can win.
Whatevs. I’m gonna go imbibe copious amounts of alcohol and wait for the inevitable blast wave grab my proverbial shovel and dig myself out of this hole.
• NOTHING IS WRONG. EVERYTHING IS WELL IN THE WORLD. • About to get all Dylan Thomas in this piece. • This is pretentious even for me. • Come at me bro. • GET SOME!
